High-achievers burn out all the time. Here's one big reason why, and how to avoid it.
Helping others is fulfilling. Contributing to a team member’s project, aiding a friend in need, or volunteering our skills makes us feel needed and essential. Lending a hand also creates goodwill, so when you need assistance, others will more likely pitch in for you.
Many high achievers want to prove themselves and tend to be “yes” people. The more “yesses” they give, the more opportunities they get to be seen, make an impact, and help others.
But saying yes too often can become unhealthy. Here’s why, and how to adjust expectations of yourself to create sustainable performance.
“When you say yes to others, make sure you’re not saying no to yourself.” – Paulo Coelho
Are you saying yes too often?
Do you find yourself saying “yes” to almost every request, even when stretched too thin?
Do you feel like if you said no, something terrible would happen? Like mistakes would be made, or you’d be seen as lazy or not a team player?
If you say, “no,” do you feel like you’re letting others down, and you overcompensate to avoid that feeling, to the point you’re willing to overwork or undersleep?
When asked for a favor, to attend a social event, or to help give guidance on a situation, do you find yourself having a knee-jerk reaction of “yes, I’ll do that!” before you even check your calendar or priorities list?
This can lead to unnecessary stress and burnout over time.
When does saying “yes” lead to burnout?
Saying “yes” can lead to burnout when driven by a deep need to please others or gain their approval, rather than from genuine alignment with your purpose.
As the best-selling author and founder of “The Work,” Byron Katie points out, getting in a habit of seeking love and approval can lead to abandoning ourselves in the process, creating an unsustainable cycle of need feeding disappointment (I Need Your Love—Is That True?, 2005).
If your mindset is, “If I’m not constantly performing, I’m not valuable,” it’s more than just a tendency based on your giving nature or a personal quirk; it’s a phenomenon known as performance-based self-esteem.
Performance-based self-esteem is where one’s self-worth is contingent on achievements and external validation.
And when your self-esteem becomes connected with performance (beyond what’s normal, of course, we all get a boost of self-esteem when we do a great job at work), it can lead to chronic stress and, eventually, health-hurting burnout. (1)
This study examined this link among medical students. Researchers found that students with high performance-based self-esteem exhibited significant levels of burnout, characterized by emotional exhaustion and disengagement. (2)
This association highlights how linking self-worth to performance can be detrimental to your well-being.
Too much of a good thing
From a young age, we’re conditioned to associate approval with achievement, whether by parents, teachers, or peers.
From getting picked as “Player of the Year” at your childhood sports banquet, to getting admitted into colleges, a proud parent’s smile, to hearing, “This is delicious!” when we make a tasty dinner, we can all think of moments we felt approval based on what we achieved.
Praise and approval feel great. We get validated and rewarded for our hard work.
But, just like eating way too many Oreos in one sitting, there’s danger in overindulging.
Too much emphasis placed on approval can evolve into believing that one’s value is solely based on output. And this can lead to overcommitment, difficulty setting boundaries, and neglect of personal needs—all classic precursors to burnout.
Breaking the “approval-seeking” cycle
How can you break the cycle of constantly seeking approval and learn how to say “yes” where it counts, so you’re not throwing your health under the bus?
- Check your availability and capacity: When asked for a favor, invited to an event, or asked to complete an extra project at work beyond your normal scope, ask yourself: Can I truly take on this request mentally and physically? Can I offer a “yes” without overburdening myself?
- Self-awareness check: Recognize when you’re seeking validation through achievements. Your answer may still be “yes,” but you’ll have decided after giving yourself a chance to reflect, rather than doing it just to feel like you’re earning your place on the planet.
- Set boundaries: Practice saying “no,” even to minor requests, even if you initially feel guilty. Once you realize the world didn’t end because you didn’t stay late working that one night or skipped that one dinner out with friends, it’ll get easier.
- Celebrate being, not just doing: Value yourself for who you are, not just what you accomplish.
Repeat after me: Your worth isn’t determined by how much you do for others. Your value is not based on your productivity or the extent to which you help others. You can see this by taking a look at those you care about. Do you love them because of who they are or just what they do for you?
Understanding and addressing performance-based self-esteem can pave the way for a more balanced life and avoid crashing into burnout.
The courage to say no is essential for making a truly committed yes.
More Resources:
References:
(1) Blom, V. (2012). Contingent self-esteem, stressors and burnout in working women and men. Work, 43(2), 123–131. https://doi.org/10.3233/WOR-2012-1366.
